Contagious Composition & a Bag of M&M's

February 25, 2010

People Get Offended by the Silliest Things….

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassyprincess30something @ 11:27 pm

Parents are interesting creatures.  I know because I am one.  However, I am bound and determined not to look in the mirror one day and discover that I have turned into my mother…both physically and behaviorally.

As my kids start tromping through their teenage years with reckless abandon, I am determined not to slip on my crazy panties and start screaming at the top of my lungs at them for being 15 minutes late even though I know they were right next door at the neighbors (personal story from when I was 18).  Yes, I am going to be a rational parent.  Or at least that is my intent.  I never had a rational parent, so I don’t know what it feels like.  Maybe when it’s all said and done, having a rational parent won’t be all it’s cracked up to be.  I mean, at least my parents’ nuttiness makes for good story telling.  Maybe my children will find my rational, mature behavior boring.  Maybe they will resent me for being normal because they won’t be able to bond with their friends who might have crazy parents.  It’s definitely an experiment that has the potential to go horribly wrong.  However, I’m willing to gamble a bit.

In a nutshell, my parents are great people…in small doses.  They have big hearts and even bigger mouths.  They are idiosyncratic creatures of habit who display tendencies towards hoarding.  However, they view themselves as non-offensive clutterbugs.  Today is the one month anniversary of my estrangement from my parents.  Most of you will think that’s no big deal, however, you would be wrong.  My parents are old, so it is not unusual for my parents and I to chat, even briefly, every other day.

Their silence is my punishment.  My crime?  Asking them to move their car.  Pretty heinous, huh?  Four years ago, when my ex-husband and I got divorced, my parents moved one of their 4 cars over to my house.  Please don’t ask why they have 4 cars when my dad is the only one who drives.  There’s no explaining that except for the fact that it falls under the hoarder/clutterbug category.  At any rate, their motive was good.  They wanted to make it seem like there was more than just a single mom and her kids living there.  I totally appreciated it at the time, and it was a good idea…in theory.  They would come over and move the car around pretty consistently for about 5 months.  Unfortunately, as time went on, the car sat in one place until the tires got flat.  It must have sat in the same place for at least 3 years.  So much for the illusion.

Well, my boyfriend was never too jazzed about a non-functioning car residing in the driveway, so needless to say he was like a dog nipping at my heels to get it moved.  To be fair, I wasn’t thrilled with car establishing permanent residence at my house either.  But it was easier just to let sleeping dogs lie.  Finally last summer, I talked to my parents about moving it.  They gave me permission to move it to a certain location in their driveway.  Well, I didn’t have the $100 to move it at that time, so I let it sit some more.  We won’t even go into why I had to pay for it.  Suffice it to say that it was easier than the alternative.  Well, a month ago, my boyfriend and his friend were able to move it.  So, I called my parents to get the keys and here’s how the conversation went.

Me:  Hi dad, how’s it going?

Dad:  Good.  What’s going on?

Me:  Nothing too much.  Hey, do I have the keys to your blue car or do you?

Dad:  I do.  Why?

Me:  Well, I can move it now and it’ll be easier if I have the keys.

Dad:  Why do you want to move it?  It’s not hurting anyone.

Me:  Yeah, I know dad, but we talked about this already.

Dad:  Where are you going to move it to?

Me:  Where you guys said to.  Off to the side of the driveway.

Dad:  Well, you can’t move it there.

Me:  Why not?

Dad:  Because we changed our minds.

Me:  Um, well, when were you going to let me know?

Dad:  I don’t see why it has to be moved.

Me:  Where do you want it moved to now, dad?

Dad:  Alongside the driveway.  In the cutout section.  But it’s filled with snow now.

Me:  Well, dad, that’s going to be a problem because I’ve arranged to have it moved tomorrow.

Dad:  TOMORROW?  TOMORROW?  DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT CAR!  IF YOU TOUCH THAT CAR I’LL HAVE YOU CHARGED FOR TRESPASSING.  YOU HEAR ME?  I’LL CALL THE COPS.

I then basically told him that this conversation wasn’t accomplishing anything, to which he promptly hung up the phone.  It wasn’t pretty.  I still can’t get over how he thought that he could charge me with trespassing on my own property, but it does make for a good story.  Well, not to be outdone, my mom gets in on the action by leaving an excruciatingly long voicemail on my work phone telling me that I am being manipulated, that I’m weak, that I’m alienating everyone that I care about, etc, etc, etc, etc.  Oh joy.  I returned their phone call addressed their concerns in a voicemail.  As of today, my dad is starting to warm back up to me, but I still haven’t spoken to my mom.  However, tomorrow is another day…which means another chance to reconnect or another chance to do something else incredibly offensive.  I’m not even going to talk to them about their sewing machine in my basement.  I’m saving that for the summer.

February 23, 2010

The Ex Wife and the Battle of the Wobbly Bits

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — sassyprincess30something @ 6:25 pm

It is February 23rd, and in less than a month I will be heading off to Hawaii to spend 10 days of sheer bliss with my sweetie.  Or so I hope.  Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely going to Hawaii, and I am definitely going to be with my boyfriend, but there’s a part of me that worries about the sheer bliss thing.

You see, my boyfriend and I have kind of an unusual relationship.  That said, those of you who know me know that unusual is pretty much the norm in my world.  In a nutshell, he lives with me and my children half the year, in 3-week intervals, and he lives with his ex wife (of 5 years) and his kids the other half of the year, again in 3-week intervals.  Yep, you read that right.  I’m dating a man who last year lived with his ex for 194 days compared to my 149 days.  Not that I’m counting or anything, mind you.  And for all you math wizards out there, I know the days don’t add up to 365, but there actually is a reason for that….business travel.

But I digress….this post isn’t about their living arrangements or anything else I might find interesting, for we could spend weeks if not months dissecting that.  This post is about my need to look utterly fabulous because while I am in that tropical paradise, I will not only be meeting said ex wife, but also staying at her place.  Yes, I know that there’s the potential of the situation being awkward as ass and no, I’m not really sure where that saying originated or why it caught on.  What I do know is that while I am hopeful that she is a wonderful person and we totally hit it off, that does not negate the need for me to look fantastic and be in top-notch form.  I mean, she wasn’t some fly-by-night.  He was married to her for 10 years, and that’s nothing to scoff at.  So the pressure’s on.

Therefore, I have decided that after this past weekend of bingeing on wine and copious amounts of cheese that, I’m sorry to report, has taken up residence on my ass, I have to stop messing around and get serious.  While I’m not overweight, I do have a fair amount of wobbly bits that need to be addressed.  The current plan for eradicating the pesky wobbly bits is working out and eating healthy, nutritious, low-cal, low-fat  foods.   I must note that while I write this, I am feasting on Oreo truffles.  Hence, the battle of the wobbly bits begins tomorrow.  Good plan!

February 22, 2010

The Starting Point…Bananas and Batteries

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — sassyprincess30something @ 5:33 pm

Every good story has a starting point.  I’m not presumptuous enough to think that my story will fall under the category of good, however, I will settle for fair.  As I try to gather my thoughts in order to give you a glimpse into who I am as well as my frequently interesting, sometimes ridiculous, never mundane life, my 12-year old is arguing with me about bananas.  It is his bedtime and true to form he is all of a sudden going to die of starvation.  Amazingly enough, he wasn’t on the brink of death 15 minutes ago when I told him it was time to get ready for bed.

Tonight, however, the victory is mine.  It is short, and it is sweet, but I’ll take it.  He stomps off banana-less, though not admitting defeat, to go brush his teeth.

Now…a sneak peak of me…I’m a 30-something single mother of 2 fantastic kids ages 14 and 12. Everyday I work like a dog making substantially less than my male counterparts but doing significantly more, as are most women at my place of employment.

I grew up in New Jersey, and was dragged, kicking and screaming, out to the lovely state of Idaho, where I was determined that I would only reside for a year at most.  To date, I have lived here for 14 years.  So much for determination.  Obviously, mine had a short shelf life.

I consider myself to be articulate, fairly witty, and have a decent amount of positive self esteem, which I did lose for a brief period but regained about a year ago.  I have also been told that I possess elements of both the cool and ridiculous simultaneously.  Not sure how I feel about that last statement.

My childhood was pretty average.  I am an only child and probably one of the few only children I know who didn’t suffer from the same affliction that affects only children the world over…a sense of entitlement mixed with a dash of brattiness thrown in for good measure.  To my parents credit, they worked tirelessly to make sure I wasn’t spoiled.  However, for the record, I feel that putting batteries in my Christmas stocking was going a bit far.  But, on the bright side, it gave me something to tell a psychiatrist later in life.

I am starting this blog because someone once told me that writing is cathartic, and I believe him.  So, here it goes….if you stumble upon my blog and stick with me, you will share in the shenanigans of raising children, the disasters and successes of dating, the trials and triumphs of the workplace, and the peeks and valleys of daily life.  Hope you enjoy it, and if you don’t, please just lie and pretend you do!

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